Whats that you say? Christmas is about Jesus?! Surely you jest

Bella Cupcakes

Today I had a phone interview for a potential marketing intern position through Bella Cupcake Couture - a cute little company (that is growing a lot!) that creates and sells cupcake "wrappers" (for lack of a better word) that can be used for businesses, parties, wedding, etc...

Please be praying that I get this position! It is about a two month commitment, unpaid, and only about 8 hours a week BUT it is something that I am really excited about! I would have the opportunity to use my public relations skills, marketing, creativity, AND there is cupcakes! haha I mean, I'm taking cake decorating classes and I would love the opportunity to use all my skills. At least how it seems, it combines many of my favorite things that I enjoy doing! :) :) :)

the website is www.bellacupcakecouture.com

Christmas, Showers, and things like chemistry (i.e. an ode to Relient K)

I figured I would post some pictures of things that have been going on recently :)

I must say, I am soooo excited to be sharing our "first" Christmas together, Tim & I. I think I was planning it out in August. God has blessed us and as excited as I am for Christmas, I am also reminded of my inner struggle to be a consumer v. a producer. It's definitely something that I have been convicted of - spending my money wisely. Let me just say this now: You'll never find me out shopping the day after Thanksgiving. No thank you...

Anywho, let me get off my soap box for a moment to share some of the recent joys that have been going on :)

Christmas decorations

Stockings that Tim's sister, Makayla, made for us!

Last weekend we also had Lisa's bridal shower! It was a lot of fun! (not to brag or anything, but I totally made that sweet looking bouquet...)

A few weeks ago, Tim and I had the opportunity to spend a four day weekend in Port Ludlow, one of the places we stayed during our honeymoon! It was so good to be back and explore the area with Tim!

Port Ludlow, WA

We went to the Olympic Game Farm in Sequim, WA. Basically, you just drive around in your car and get to see everything from bears to peacocks, bison, and even white deer! (*Question: which bear is better? Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica. Oh the office...)

The Bison (and all the animals there for that matter) had no inhibitions about coming right up to your car.

Tim and I in the car at the game farm

In Sequim on the water, it was beautiful!

Reflection

Tim on the water

Overall it was a great time to get away and spend time together!

Grace is sufficient

It is very interesting, and timely, that I would be writing this as the stupid TV show "The Doctor's" is on and the subject? New Parent Tips.

*DISCLAIMER* I'm not pregnant. You'll understand as I write on.

I am so thankful for the community we have become involved in - Tim and I have had the opportunity to get to know wonderful people and form friendships that we were so longing for when we first moved back over to the westside. I have had the opportunity to go to a women's Bible study on Thursday's that I have loved.

That being said, I'm the only one who is not a mother that is in the Bible study. It really doesn't effect the way I learn, or even relate to the other women in the study. If anything, it is extremely helpful for me to learn from women who are in different stages in life. However, being submerged in all these adorable kiddos and talking with their moms has definitely shifted my focus. (*side note - how easily are we persuaded to be like those around us, whether it be the style of clothes to the stage of life*)

Not that it has shifted my focus to wanting kids right now, but rather, looking forward to when that time comes for Tim and I. We would absolutely love to have kids some day, but when I say that my focus is shifted I mean this: Rather than enjoying the stage of life God has for me right now, I am focusing on the future, the 'next thing' if you will. For example, when I was single I wanted a boyfriend, when Tim and I were dating I wanted to be engaged, when I was engaged I wanted to be married, and now that I am married I want to have kids. Yes, all of those things are good, and I should want them, however what I am saying is that my struggle is not being satisfied until those things are fulfilled.

There is definitely a benefit to being single, a benefit to just dating, a benefit to being engaged to learn before you are married, and a benefit of being married and allowing yourselves time to enjoy each other and learn about where God would have you. Not to mention the extra time that you have available because you don't have kids.

Anyways, this just hit me this morning. It's been a very subtle thing, and definitely not as pronounced as my desire to be married, etc... But it's there nonetheless. Even within the past few weeks there has been much going on in regards to babies and pregnancy. About a month ago two families lost their precious babies at 9 months pregnant. Last night I was rejoicing when I found out that a couple in our community group is expecting (previously they had gone through a few miscarriages as well), and I also found out that a friend suffered an ectopic pregnancy.

It's just going on all around me and it reminds me how things may be different for different people, even when there is tragedy there is also something to rejoice over.

So, I am trying to be smart about our future and save money for when we do want to have a family, but I also am trying to be content with what I have now.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

2 Corinthians 12:9

List

In an effort to change my perspective, here are the things that I am thankful for today:

1. My salvation. The fact that the God of the universe chose me before the world began. The fact that He is intimately involved in my life and loves me more than I can ever know - even if I am not always seeking Him He is always seeking me.

2. My husband. The Lord has brought me a lot of healing through marriage and my relationship with Tim. Tim is so good to me and it is through that that I learn about God's love for me.

3. Our home. Our apartment is a blessing in more ways than one. God provided an amazing deal for us on the rent and it fits exactly what we were looking for. This also goes along with the fact that I am thankful for the finances God has trusted us with. He has blessed us and I pray that He continues to teach us how to be generous.

4. Our family. They take care of us on so many levels and love us and for that I am thankful. They have taught us so much.

5. My health. I have the ability to walk, run, breathe, see, hear, and enjoy the world around me.

6. Washington. I know this is random, but I am thankful for where we live - I love the green, the rain, the smells, and how God has created such a beautiful landscape.

7. Hope. God brings hope even when I feel like all is hopeless.

8. Community. I am thankful for the people that Tim and I have had the opportunity to meet and get to know since moving to Bellevue and starting church at Mars Hill.

To Know God - כדי להכיר את אלוהים

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

Philippians 3:12

To know God. This just popped into my head this morning - in all honesty I have been neglecting my relationship with God. Yes I pray every day, but they are shallow prayers. Just things to get me through the day but nothing that cultivates my relationship with God. Then this morning I felt this urge to know God - to seek after Him and discover who He is. When I opened my Bible my eyes landed on Pslam 86:11-13:

Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever. For great is Your love toward me.

Even now I sit and wonder how do I even approach God, especially after ignoring Him recently. Do I hide in my guilt? Do I sugar coat it and act as though things are perfect? I believe that He wants neither for He already knows my heart. I believe that He longs to be known by me and the longer I waste my time worrying about my guilt, the longer I go on being stagnant in my relationship with Him.

I am at a point where in some areas of my life I feel stagnant, complacent. What a horrible place to be at 21! I guess I am having a quarter-life crisis? I have these questions swirling through my mind like "What next?" and then I realize God calling me into living life one day at a time. I have always wanted the future - when I was dating Tim I wanted to be engaged, when I was engaged I wanted to be married, now that I'm married I can't wait to settle down and buy a house and move on to that stage of my life. Why can I not be content with where God has me right now?

That being said, I absolutely love and enjoy the time that Tim and I have together and I am so thankful for our relationship and where God has us. I guess sometimes I get too distracted into looking toward the future instead of enjoying each day that God has given us. More over, I am neglecting that God has us where we are for a reason and if we spend all our time looking to the future we will always miss out on the present.

I guess part of my problem has been not going to God to be filled up, but rather trying to fill myself up with things that will never satisfy. Like instead of enjoying my day and making the most of it at work, I just try and make it through. Instead of trying to make a difference in the lives of my co-workers, I selfishly just focus on going home and being with Tim and my day is wasted for pouring into those around me who don't know God. (oh if they ever saw this, what would they do?)

I suppose I have even been sucked into work life as I see so many others just making it through their days rather than living in them and making the most of them. Or the things that they are living for are never going to save them. Working in health care I see so many people worshiping their own bodies, as if enough exercise and vitamins will keep them immortal. As though their lifestyle will save them. Yet they also believe that we came from billions of years of nothing and appeared over time. If that were true, what is the point? Why do they even care about taking care of themselves unless their only purpose is to procreate and instinct driven? Where does their desire to learn, grow, create, and improve themselves come from? I am reminded of the verse in the Bible (although I can't find it at the moment) that describes people as worshiping the creation rather than the Creator. I feel like this is the world I live in.

God, I pray that you break the chains that are holding me down to a life of nothingness, a life that doesn't seek after you. I have been trying to satisfy myself with so many empty things and I am sorry that I have not been coming to you first and foremost. I pray even for those around me who are worshiping things that create burden when you offer to take our burdens away. I am absolutely hopeless without you and I am sorry that I have been letting that hopelessness seep into my life. Help me to be purposeful in the things I do - but more importantly - help me to grow in you, I want to have a deeply intimate relationship with You that goes beyond all understanding. Thank you for providing for me, thank you for bringing me where I am, and thank you for being you. There is no one like you God.

Thankful

Lately I have been struggling with the circumstances of life, and I've noticed that rather than enjoying life, I'm choosing to just get through it. It's as though I am waiting to enjoy life until the circumstances get better, until things change, until things are better. But I'm ignoring and missing out on all of the things that God has done for us that I should be so thankful for!

I am thankful for the circumstances that God has us in. Yes, Tim lost his job and yes, I don't always enjoy my job, and yes, we had to shell out a LOT of money to fight that stupid court thing, but in the midst of that, we are doing okay - more than okay.

God blessed us with apartment rent that is nearly half of what it normally goes for ($840 vs. $1300/month) so that even though Tim doesn't have a job, we can afford it with my salary. Moreover, we have a kitchen full of food. We can afford to have good, healthy (sometimes unhealthy lol) food that fills us up every day and we never need to skip a meal. I praise the Lord for that. I have also been blessed with a job that comes with a lot of benefits. Yes, it includes minimal health benefits (we'll probably just stick to our private insurance), but it comes with a lot of benefits like free gym membership, reduced massage therapy prices, etc...etc... Our office knows how to make connections with the community and in turn the employees get to reap the benefits.

God has also blessed me with a husband who is not lazy in any way, shape or form. Since he's been laid off, he's been working harder than me! He hasn't wasted a second by sitting on the couch doing nothing - he has picked up odd jobs and already he seems to be making more money than me on a daily basis!

And while I am frustrated with the lack of "direction" in our life right now, I really have nothing to be frustrated about. God has us in a position right now where we have choices! Right now (although things can always change), Tim can choose to work for his uncle while going to school at CWU online to pursue an ITAM degree, he can pursue going to the firefighter academy, or even pursue becoming an air traffic controller. Yes, each of those come with sacrifices, but fortunately God has us in a place where we can have time to figure out what to do. We are newly married, no kids, and we are young.

In the midst of all of this, sometimes I feel like this is all too big for me. I am so small and everything that we are up against is so big. Yes we have a lot to be thankful for and so much blessing in our lives, I still feel like we cannot go at this alone. But I think that is also something to me thankful for. God has blessed us with much but also wants us to cling to Him for our strength. We cannot be so full of ourselves and confident in ourselves that we don't need Him. As we know, and so many others do, things can change in an instant. One day Tim had a job, the next day he didn't. One day we thought we were going to live in Kent, then next we signed a lease in Bellevue. God is the only constant in our lives and I can only be thankful.

Thoughts on hopelessness

In contrast from my previous entry, I feel like reflecting on hopelessness. Well, I don’t really feel like it, but I don’t really feel like having hope at the moment either.

I just realized yesterday how much I am struggling with this, as a result of struggling with pride, jealously, comparison, and greed. We went to our community group last night and it was fun, I love the people but I was having a hard time. Everyone that we talked with seemed like they had their life together. Yes, I know that that isn’t true because no one has their life together. I understand that. But it was hard because even if they didn’t have their lives together, it seemed like they had their careers together.

I felt like everyone there had a career, not just a job to get by. One guy owns his own business and is only 25, a few more work for microsoft, and several are nurses.

I think it is awesome and has absolutely nothing to do with the people, but it is just hard to be around that when Tim is facing unemployment and my work barely covers our bills and we just had to shell out over $3000 for our lawyer and court fees over something that we didn’t even do!

As you can see, I’m really struggling keeping a positive thought life when I can’t help but focus on the negative. I am even struggling with trusting God and trusting Tim because I don’t see our situation getting any better. My job is stressful and it isn’t something that I want to do for the rest of my life but it is looking like we absolutely need it to survive as Tim looks for a job.

There is part of me that doesn’t want to let go of this bitterness. It’s easier to hold onto things like this than to look for the positive. It’s easier to compare ourselves to others and judge than it is to love and hope for the best. Why is it that way? Sin nature I suppose, but I just can’t seem to overcome it.

And it makes it hard for me to spend time with God. It’s like I’m kind of angry at Him for putting us where we are. Like, why did He get our hopes up by giving Tim a job then taking it away? It’s just hard for me right now to envision things getting better. Life is a mess.

I’m sorry that I am ranting, that I am upset at God. More than anything I just need to break down and get it off my chest. God can handle my upset-ness, I just need to come to Him and draw closer to Him. It’s easier to do that when things are going well I suppose.

Lord, forgive me for feeling this way! Forgive me for being jealous of those around me. Forgive me for comparision and judgement. It is not up to me. I don’t want to miss out on true blessings from you because I am so focused on the negative. God I need you, I am broken and I feel like so many parts of my life are broken. Help me to trust you, give me the strength to trust you. Break down the walls I have set up and bring me to you. I need you desparately.

Thoughts on hope

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love forever and ever. I will praise You forever for what you have done; in Your name I will hope, for Your name is good. I will praise You in the presence of Your saints

Psalm 52:8-9

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain You, He will never let the righteous fall

Psalm 55:22

The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1

Without hope, there is nothing to live for, no reason for anything. Over the past months I have learned that to be without hope is to be without life. I struggled a lot with hope, or rather, feelings of hopelessness. If God is not our hope, then what do we hope in? I had my hope in so many other things and they failed me miserably. Life sucks, it gets hard, and if we don’t have a constant in our life, where do we go? I had a hard enough time over the past year struggling with anxiety and I have God. I cannot imagine going what I went through by myself.

Even if you believe in God and don’t have hope, what are you doing? And is it truly faith? I don’t mean the fluffy hopefulness that good things will happen to you and that everything will be okay. I mean in the middle of life, the hurt, the pain, and the hell of it all, you believe and have hope that God has a plan for you (and you ACT like it). I believe hope and faith are so intimately connected and I don’t know how you could have one without the other.

I’ve been struggling with hope recently. Not understanding the future, not knowing where God is taking me. Not knowing where God is taking Tim and I. Tim was laid off last week, exactly one week from today. Not long before he was laid off I was considering quitting my job. I didn’t want it in the first place. I was hesitant to take it and it proved to be a lot of work. Not that I am lazy, but that I am trying to reconcile having a life and having a job. But we cannot afford to have me quit now.

It’s interesting all the plans we have for ourselves, whether they appear godly or not. I wanted Tim to get a job that supported the both of us completely, and I could just work part time or develop my own business or pursue volunteering. Thinking about it it sounded biblical – men are the providers and women are the home builders. Yes, that is true, but I wonder how much of that is monetary.

I do believe that men should be the providers when it comes to finances, however I don’t think that it ends there or even finds it’s meaning there. Maybe men are to be the providers in more ways that just with money. Maybe they are the ones who should provide a safe place for the women (not just a house, but a relationship), a place of comfort and love and protection. How great is our God to create men and women the way that He did, and how even more great it is that we are merely small reflections of Himself.

God is our protection, our safeplace, our home. He is our refuge and our deliverer, and our ultimate provider. He is the husband to the widows and a father to the fatherless. He is our everything. He is our lover, our ‘home builder’, our tender care giver, and our nurturer.

Thank you God that you are bigger than me and my problems. Thank you that you bring healing and will absolutely never leave me, even when I try to leave you. Thank you that you draw me close to you even when I deserve punishment. Thank you that you love me even when I don’t know everything about you or understand how you work. Thank you that you are a delightful mystery that causes us to continually seek after you. And thank you that we can never figure you out. Thank you that you are real.

“I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals; she decked herself with rings and jewelery and went after her lovers, but me she forgot,” declares the Lord. “Therefore, I am now going to allure her, I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the days she came out of Egypt. In that day,” declares the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master’.”

Hosea 2:13-16

This is the good life

Good Life

~Audio Adrenaline

I've watched my dreams all fade away

And blister in the sun

Everything I've ever had is unraveled and undone

I've set upon a worthless stack

Of my ambitious plans

And the people that I've loved the most

Have turned their backs and ran

This is the good life

I've lost everything

I could ever want

And ever dream of

This is the good life

I found everything

I could ever need

Here in Your arms

This is the good good life, good good life

Good good life, good good life

Loneliness has left me searching

For someone to love

Poverty has changed my view

Of what true riches are

Sorrow's opened up my eyes

To see what real joy is

Pain has been the catalyst

To my heart's happiness

This is the good life

I've lost everything

I could ever want

And ever dream of

This is the good life

I found everything

I could ever need

Here in Your arms

This is the good good life, good good life

good good life, good good life

What good would it be

If you had everything

But you wouldn't have

The only thing you need

This is the good life

I've lost everything

I could ever want

And ever dream of

This is the good life

I found everything

I could ever need

Here in Your arms

Thankfulness

Pour our your heart like water in the presence of the Lord.
Lamentations 2:19

God is good.

Lord,

Hear my cry. I am pouring out my heart to you, hold my heart gently. Help me cling to you with my whole heart, with everything I have. Help me to trust you to be my everything.

Give me the strength to keep going even when I can't see what is in front of me. Be my hope. Come for me.

Speak to the deepest corners of my heart, answer the deepest prayers of my heart that I don't even know are there - for you know me better than myself.

Be my provider, my protector, my defender. Be my salvation. I am lost and hopeless without you.

Thank you Lord for where you have brought me. Thank you for not just your provision, but your intense intimacy in my life, the intricacy that you have woven my life together. Thank you for bringing me to where I am now. Thank you for a place that Tim and I can call home. Thank you for Tim's job. Thank you for our relationship. Thank you for grace and forgiveness.

Yet, it isn't enough to just thank you for your grace, forgiveness, and provision. I am drowning in it! I am overwhelmed by it! It is too big for me, to lofty for me to attain. Your grace and glory are beautifully overwhelming.

May my life be beautiful to you Lord.

"When all of the sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me" (How He loves by David Crowder)

"Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?... If You're everything You say You are, won't You come close and hold my heart?" (Hold my heart by tenth avenue north)

The Lord is Good

It was a sweet day of celebration on Monday; our one month as a married couple and God provided a job for Tim!

This whole married thing has shown me over and over again how much I can trust God because He does love me and because He is good. Not that I am at the point where I whole-heartedly, 100% believe that all the time, but it is true. Something I have been learning is the fact that God is good regardless of the circumstances. Had Tim not gotten a job, God would still be good and we can still rejoice in that.

The weekend before Tim got the job, we went back to my parents house for the weekend to help with the farmers market and to look for potential housing. On Saturday morning, Tim got a call from Eastside Auto saying that they, would like an interview that afternoon for their manager position. Tim went and it (obviously) went really well! It was completely a God thing, Tim and the current manager hit it off because they were very similar in age, and the manager was leaving because he was getting married to his girlfriend of over 5 years!!! (sound familiar?)

Anyways, after the interview Tim and I went and looked at a couple of apartments in Kent and Auburn, with the apartment in Kent looking very promising. We had all but made up our minds until we got home. I took a shower (after getting all gross and sweaty at the farmers market), and Tim decided to just hang out. When I got done, we were talking and he told me he needed to talk with me about the apartment situation. He said he had been praying, something he feels like neither of us did much of before looking at the apartments, and He felt like God was leading him to believe that neither of those places were right for us and that we should consider waiting to sign a lease.

At first I was a little bit upset. Not at Tim, but just at the situation. The apartment we looked at in Kent was beautiful, cozy, and definitely reasonably priced. It may not have been that big of a deal, but for someone who has moved 4 times in the past year, it's a big deal when you consider the prospect of having a home for longer than 3 months. I was tired; tired of moving, tired of waiting to find a home, tired of feeling homeless. This whole year I never felt like I had a place that was my own, just a temporary living area until the next one came around. It was hard, and it really added to my stress, and I was just worn out from packing up and moving so often.

I cried, I wasn't happy that Tim, or God, felt that we should wait until Tim for-sure had a job. I felt like we had enough money saved in the bank to find a place to live while Tim searched for a job, especially since if we didn't it meant living with our parents because we only have this current house until aug. 5.

However, the next day during our car ride back to Ellensburg, Tim was explaining more of where he was coming from and why he felt that it was best we just wait it out (something that even he wasn't excited about). He said that we had neglected to just be thankful for where we are at right now. As soon as those words left his mouth I felt instantly convicted. It was true, I spent so much of my time looking to the future and forgot to just be thankful for what God has provided right now: a free home, gift cards that have allowed us to pay only a little money for food, and a job, to name a few.

That conversation completely changed my attitude over the whole situation. We then went on to talk about how we can trust God because of all He has done for us, that no matter what His will ultimately will be done.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

I find that comforting, that no matter what, God is in control and nothing will happen outside of His will. It is comforting to me that I can trust God will ultimately have His plans come through, but mine will ultimately fail me. I am glad that I can trust God.

That morning at church, our pastor was talking about the will of God and it fit so perfectly into what was going on in our lives. That day I chose to be thankful for where I am at, to trust that God does have a plan and to trust that it is better than mine.

The next day Tim got a call and was offered the job. Now, God's will would have happened no matter what, He does not depend on my actions. However, trusting that God's plans are better makes the transition easier. Tim got a job as a manager at an auto shop, it is full time, great pay, and full benefits. Even with that, it was not in my plan that my husband work in Bellevue at an auto shop. It was not my plan to live in an area that is more expensive. It was not my plan that Tim would work tuesdays through saturdays. None of it was my plan. However, because I had chosen to trust God I can have peace about the situation. Had God not drawn me to a place of thankfulness (or rather, had I not chosen to follow Him), I would probably have a harder time accepting our situation. But, God is good and He provides.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

So, I pray that I remember these things when I don't feel like trusting God, with life gets hard and complicated, and doesn't go the way I had planned. God will always come through.

Then you will know that I am the LORD: Those who hope in me will not be disappointed.

Isaiah 49:23

Some of my favorite wedding photos

Oh How He Loves Us

I am so thankful for the love that God has poured out on me. I am back from my honeymoon, and write this as my first blog as a married woman. Crazy.

God is so good to me. I was blessed with a wonderful wedding, a wedding far better than I could have ever imagined, a wedding that I was able to enjoy to the full extent, surrounded by the people I love the most and who love Tim and I. Praise God.

The wedding was beautiful, not because of the physical details, music, or food, but because God blessed it. God was there, as He always is, but I say it because I knew that He was there. Early on in the year, when I was struggling much more with anxiety than I am now, I felt that I would not be capable to get married, I was too plagued with anxieties and worry, I wasn't good enough to be a wife. I felt God gently whisper to me, "I will carry you through". When anxieties about the wedding and marriage came to mind, I also felt God gently tell me, "I am going to make you beautiful for that day, far more beautiful because of what you have been through. I will take you through this and make it better than it would have been without hardships." He did just that, God is faithful. I should have been a nervous wreck leading up to the wedding, but I was surrounded with peace and felt more calm then then I had in a long time.

God also gave us a restful honeymoon. It was so nice to spend a whole week resting with Tim, adjusting to married life, and praising God for giving us such a wonderful day. Words cannot describe how full I felt knowing that God had come through. I spend countless hours worrying about everything, when God came through for me and knew that He would all along. Yet I still doubted. I pray that I hold onto this experience for the future when I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, or when I doubt that God will come through for me.

I think one thing I am trying to learn this summer, or rather, God is teaching me, is to just let Him love me. Or, as Tim said, accept that He loves me, for I cannot "let" or "allow" Him to love me, He has done so even before I was born, and no amount of my energy can make Him love me any more or less.

For Christ died once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God.
~1 Peter 3:18

In His great mercy, He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade - kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Chris is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filed with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1:3-9

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
~Zephaniah 3:17

I absolutely fell in love with this song, or rather, fell more in love with God.

How He loves us
by David Crowder

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Your God will rejoice over you

As a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.
-Isaiah 62:5

Yesterday I was talking with Tim and I asked him how he was feeling about the wedding being only 4 days away. What I was trying to get at was to find out about his excitement, nervousness, worries, thoughts on how the day would go and how he feels about getting married in less than a week. I had expressed that I often have butterflies in my stomach, I'm nervous and excited, and anxious about how things will go the day of the wedding. On a deeper level, I have some anxieties about what our future holds, where will we live after the summer is over, where we will work, what we will do. Basically my mind is swirling over the ideas of the unknown. I've never done this before, I've been technically on my own since being at college, but this is different. My mind is always going, I am so excited to join Tim in this new adventure together, but I still have "what ifs" and "now whats" going through my mind.

As I asked Tim how he was feeling, I expected to get a similar answer as I had given him. I mean, he's a guy, and the stereotype of many men is that they fear commitment, want to be independent, etc... Now, I know with all my heart that Tim loves me deeply and that he cannot wait to marry me, but I figured that, to some degree, he would also have thoughts like "what happens next" or worry about how to provide for us. I was way off.

"I am so excited", Tim responded. He went onto tell me that, truly, that is the only feeling he is experiencing right now. He told me he is so excited to get to marry me, be my husband, and get to see me in my dress on the wedding day. He then told me that he isn't like a girl (haha), and doesn't worry about all the little details, at the end of the day he still gets to marry me and be with me, and that is all that mattered to him. He is not worried about the future because he knows that we will face the future together. He is not worried about how to provide for us because he knows that it will all work out. He is not worried about what it will be like/how marriage will be different because he gets to experience it with me.

This got me thinking but didn't hit me till this morning. Actually, I wouldn't say it "hit" me, but rather, the thought gently found me.

I realized that that is how God feels about me.

I continually worry, over analyze things, think too much about details, and forget to just let God delight in me. To just be with God. To enjoy being on an adventure with Him, trusting that He works all things for good. Trusting that I can face anything the future holds because He is with me and carrying me through. I don't have to go through life a lone, I have God. Not only that, but God just wants to spend time with me and be with me on all the adventures of life. I don't need to be worried about "what ifs" or details because those will all work out anyways. Why can I not just be excited to be in the moment and enjoy where God has me? It is a struggle I face but I am realizing more and more than my relationship with God is just that: a relationship. Just as Tim is excited to marry me and just be with me, so is God. He delights in me and I don't need to work hard and try to earn my way to Him, but rather just be with Jesus, learning about Him, discovering things about Him I didn't know, and in turn, discovering things about myself that I didn't know. Growing with Him and spending my life doing things with God, not just for God.

The things I do with God are, in fact, for God, but I am relying on His strength and knowing that I cannot earn my salvation. In fact, just by believing in and loving Jesus, enjoying being in a relationship with Him, I am gaining salvation:

These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ in revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
-1 Peter 1:7-9

So, with that, I am going to enjoy the next few days and let God take control. I do not need to worry about how my wedding will go, I do not need to worry about what the future holds. All I need to do, and all that God longs for me to do, is enjoy Him, delight in Him, and let (and invite) God to delight in me.

I will rescue you

"You whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
Isaiah 46:3-4

This verse has always brought comfort to me. I posted it in my last blog post, but it's been on my heart. This is what I want to resonate through my soul, knowing that Jesus rescues me and carries me through everything - I am never alone.

God has brought me this far, and He will continue to bring me through. That is what it boils down to. So much has been going on in my life and I am at a point where I have no idea what the future holds. But, my Savior holds the future and He knows where He is taking me.

You should see the stars tonight

I've been thinking a lot about my upcoming wedding that is two weeks away. I had all of these ideas about what I would be feeling at this point, but none of them were anywhere near what I am feeling. I am at a point where this year has broken me and I believe that God is the only one who can carry me through, carry us through.

I am so excited for our marriage, but I have learned that two sinners do not make a perfect marriage. But both Tim and I are learning to understand what it looks like to truly rely on Jesus for strength in our marriage, and I am just trusting that God will come through for us. I believe that He will.

He is my strength, our strength, and a beautiful strength at that. I am a sinner and more often than not, I choose to hang onto sins, or trust myself over God, but God is my rescuer. I don't know what our future holds, I don't know where we will be at the end of the summer, the next year, etc... but I know that God does and I'm learning to let that be enough for me.

As I think about God and my relationship with Him, I sometimes get glimpses of what my relationship with Him should look like. Maybe I am not supposed to worry, maybe i am not supposed to hold onto guilt, maybe I am supposed to allow Him to delight in me, maybe I am supposed to let myself be drawn into Him. More than maybe.

I find comfort in knowing that I don't need to find my worth in things like my schooling, my wedding, my future career. More than likely, at some point or another, those things will let me down. I was told about a week ago that if I have a C wedding i'll be really fortunate (70% goes the way we want, 30% doesn't), and i'm okay with things not going 100% because at the end of the day, I get to be Tim's wife and start a new adventure with him and Jesus. The same goes for my career someday - if it doesn't work out the way that I want it too, thats okay because it isn't my absolute purpose.

At my final dress fitting, I started to let God take delight in me and the fact that I am getting married. I tended to push it away or ignore it, thinking that God wasn't that excited about my marriage (what lies). As I was looking at myself in the mirror in my dress, I realized that I was not alone and could hear Jesus whispering in my hear, "You look beautiful baby girl."

That gives me peace, in the midst of my circumstances, God is near and giving me the strength to go on. Strength that does not come from me, but from the God of the universe. God is always with me.

This verse was my first "favorite verse" when I found Jesus for the first time:

"You whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
Isaiah 46:3-4

It is interesting because in the verses before this, the Lord is talking about how burdensome idols are and how the worshipers have to carry what they worship around. Then, God goes onto say that He is the one carrying us. We are not strong enough, as the earlier verses point out that say how the burdens cause them to go into captivity because they are not strong enough to carry them on their own. God is the one who has to carry us. I would have it no other way.

The following song I think is beautiful. This will probably be the last slow dance song before Tim and I leave for our honeymoon.

"Stars" by David Crowder

you should see the stars tonight
how they shimmer shine so bright
against the black they look so white
comin down from such a height
to reach me now, reach me now

you should see the moon in the flight
cuttin cross the misty night
softly dancin in sunshine
reflections of this light
reach me now, you reach me now

and how could such a thing
shine its light on me
and make everything beautiful again

and you should feel the sun in the spring
comin out after a rain
suddenly all is green
sunshine on everything
i can feel it now, i feel you now

and how could such a thing
shine its light on me
and make everything beautiful

and you should hear the angels sing
all gathered round their king
more beautiful than you could dream
i've been quietly listening
you can hear 'em now, i hear em now

and how could such a king
shine His light on me
and make everything beautiful
and i wanna shine
i wanna be light
i wanna tell you it'll be alright
and i wanna shine and i wanna fly
just to tell you now
it'll be alright, it'll be alright
it'll be alright.

cus i got nothing of my own to give to you
but this light that shines on me shines on you
and makes everything beautiful, again.
it'll be alright, it'll be alright.

God is near

But as for me, it is good to be near God.
Psalm 73:28

What other nation is so great as to have their gods near them the way the LORD our God is near us whenever we pray to him?
Deuteronomy 4:7

The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.
Psalm 145:18

Near (according to dictionary.com):

• at, within, or to a short distance.
• close in relation; closely with respect to connection, similarity, intimacy, etc
• being close by; not distant
• closely affecting one's interests or feelings
• intimate or familiar
• to come or draw near; approach

God is near

I cannot be known

I found this poem and I was absolutely drawn to it, I'm not really sure why, but I love it's simplicity and deepness and the same time.

I Cannot Be Known
by Paul Eluard

I cannot be known
Better than you know me

Your eyes in which we sleep
We together
Have made for my man's gleam
A better fate than for the common nights

Your eyes in which I travel
Have given to signs along the roads
A meaning alien to the earth

In your eyes who reveal to us
Our endless solitude

Are no longer what they thought themselves to be

You cannot be known
Better than I know you.

The weight of the world

...is to heavy to bear. I see and hear about so many tragic things in life and my heart absolutely breaks for those around me. I feel like some of my posts are depressing, and it's not because I chose to focus on the negative, quite honestly the Lord has been at work in my life and I have been doing a lot better (praise God), but since having struggled with anxiety my heart has been so much more open to seeing people around me. Seeing them in all of their hurts, pains, and struggles.

We truly are a broken people in need of something far greater than ourselves to save us from this mess.

Since starting to go through counseling, and taking anti-anxiety medicine, God has broken down so many parts of me. Pride, selfishness to name a few. Without sounding too harsh, I thought that only weaker people needed medicine to help with things like anxiety or depression. Like, their faith wasn't strong enough or something, except for extreme circumstances in which the person has severe severe depression, etc.... This is absolutely not the case. Quite honestly, looking at the world around me, it's hard to take it all in and not want some medicine to dull the intensity of it all.

If it is one thing I have to be thankful for through all of this, is that God has made my heart so much more tender toward those around me. Ever since I started going through this process it is as though everyone else around me is going through it too. People I saw as strong and "normal" are sharing similar struggles as me, and it is truly eye opening. I don't want this to be taken wrong, but hearing others struggles makes me feel better knowing that I am not alone - and it takes the focus off of myself and I can begin to offer comfort to those who are hurting, because I understand what they are going through.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
-2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will gives thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted in answer to the prayers of many.
- 2 Corinthians 1:9-11

Praise the Lord that He has not left us on our own. While God is a just God and does not like sin, I think too often we think of God as sitting up on this thrown and looking down at all of the bad things that we are doing in disgust. While God hates sin, I don't picture God like that. I believe that God is absolutely, intimately near, and He hurts when we hurt. He is so divinely intimate with our lives and He sees that horror of the world around us, things so terrible that we have no idea they are even going on in the world. I think it is because of this He realized how utterly hopeless we are on our own. He sent Jesus, His Son, to die for us in our place so that we may have hope in Him. He came and rescued us, saved us from ourselves, to save us by the sin that so much controls us.

God made Him who had no sin be Sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.
-2 Corinthians 5:21

A lot of people can't seem to believe in God because they think if there was a loving God, how could He let all the bad happen in the world. I would suggest reading the above Bible verse again. He died for us, to rescue us, to save us because He loves us more intensely and fiercely than we could ever imagine. And there is nothing we can do to earn that, we just need to accept it and let God take control. I can do nothing by my own strength, I tried and I ended up with horrible anxiety. Yeah, you may not have a manifestation like that in your life, but one way or another you will never be satisfied outside of Jesus. Anything good from me comes from God, because apart from Him I am hopeless.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us.
-Ephesians 2:8-10

Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners - of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and recieve eternal life.
-1 Timothy 1:15-17

Beloved by Tenth Avenue North

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
and Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to me yea now now

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers that won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me

You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery

Getting into you

I recently rediscovered this song by Relient K and I forgot how much of an impact it had on me when I first became a christian. As far as I can remember, this was the first "christian" song I ever heard and liked and it so well described my early walk with God, and the simplicity of it. I think that this simplicity is something I should focus on more.

When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God
Somebody said
'Do you know what you are getting yourself into?'

When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me unsure of these
Things I ask myself
I ask myself
'Do you know what you are getting yourself into?'

I'm getting into You
Because You got to me
In a way words cant describe
I'm getting into You
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love You with my life

When He looked at me and said
'I kind of view you as a son'
And for a second our eyes met
And I met that with a question:
'Do you know what You are getting yourself into?'

I'm getting into You
Because You got to me
In a way words can't describe
I'm getting into You
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
Im going to love You with my life

I've been a liar and I'll never amount to
The kind of person You deserve to worship You
You say You will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do,
You say
'I love You and that's what you are getting yourself into'

Im getting into You
Because You got to me
In a way words cant describe
Im getting into You
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love You with my life



I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
~Philippians 3:12

Bridal Shower

I had so much fun at the bridal shower yesterday!!! I was so excited for everyone that came and all of the things they brought - it will definitely help Tim and I as we start our life together!

Thank you computer, for 3 lovely years

My computer crashed last night. You may be wondering how I am typing this right now if my computer isn't working. Well, I'm at work.. shhh

I think whenever the weather is nice it puts me in a better mood. I absolutely love the sun, and I absolutely love the summer. God has been providing in wonderful ways and I am hopeful that this summer will be one of rest, peace, and enjoyment.

This year has been crazy, i've lived at a different place each quarter. Each time I move I feel a sense of relief that I won't have to move for a while. Then a few months go by, and here I am, moving again! I guess I've learned to know that no matter what my plans are, God's always prevail.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." ~ Psalm 19:21

And even in the midst of stress, I see ways that God has provided and had all of these events in the last year not happened, I would not be where I am right now. I moved out of the dorms after fall quarter only to move in with a roommate that I also really enjoyed at Student Village. She ended up transferring at the end of Winter Quarter. When she told me she was leaving, I decided that I wanted to look off campus. The problem with that is the fact that I wouldn't have any furniture to move in with! A few days after that, she came to me and told me that she was leaving all of the furnitire with me, if I didn't mind. Of course I didn't mind! I got a free couch out of the deal! Then, I found an apartment but the only thing that the apartment was missing was a microwave. I figured that that wouldn't be a big deal to find, and when I went back to the apartment, my roommate offered me her microwave! Seems little, but Praise the Lord! He provides even the littlest things.

So then I move everything into my current apartment where Tim and I decide we are going to live in after we get married. We decided to live in Ellensburg over the summer in order to save a little bit of money (rent in ellensburg, for a two bedroom, nice, newly remodeled apartment is $610, and a one bedroom not-so-nice apartment in the ghetto on the westside is $850). If that wasn't enough, our old Bible Study leaders came up to us a few weeks ago and offered to have us live in their house for free over the summer while they are gone in Colorado for CRU Staff training! Praise the Lord! Not only could we have just lived off of Tim's salary in our apartment over the summer, we are now blessed with the opportunity to save even more money! God is providing!

I guess I write those stories out as reminders for myself. God provides in huge and small ways, and it's when I feel like He is distant that I need to remember those things. So, I will choose to reflect on those things and know that God does not leave me a lone.