Thoughts on hopelessness

In contrast from my previous entry, I feel like reflecting on hopelessness. Well, I don’t really feel like it, but I don’t really feel like having hope at the moment either.

I just realized yesterday how much I am struggling with this, as a result of struggling with pride, jealously, comparison, and greed. We went to our community group last night and it was fun, I love the people but I was having a hard time. Everyone that we talked with seemed like they had their life together. Yes, I know that that isn’t true because no one has their life together. I understand that. But it was hard because even if they didn’t have their lives together, it seemed like they had their careers together.

I felt like everyone there had a career, not just a job to get by. One guy owns his own business and is only 25, a few more work for microsoft, and several are nurses.

I think it is awesome and has absolutely nothing to do with the people, but it is just hard to be around that when Tim is facing unemployment and my work barely covers our bills and we just had to shell out over $3000 for our lawyer and court fees over something that we didn’t even do!

As you can see, I’m really struggling keeping a positive thought life when I can’t help but focus on the negative. I am even struggling with trusting God and trusting Tim because I don’t see our situation getting any better. My job is stressful and it isn’t something that I want to do for the rest of my life but it is looking like we absolutely need it to survive as Tim looks for a job.

There is part of me that doesn’t want to let go of this bitterness. It’s easier to hold onto things like this than to look for the positive. It’s easier to compare ourselves to others and judge than it is to love and hope for the best. Why is it that way? Sin nature I suppose, but I just can’t seem to overcome it.

And it makes it hard for me to spend time with God. It’s like I’m kind of angry at Him for putting us where we are. Like, why did He get our hopes up by giving Tim a job then taking it away? It’s just hard for me right now to envision things getting better. Life is a mess.

I’m sorry that I am ranting, that I am upset at God. More than anything I just need to break down and get it off my chest. God can handle my upset-ness, I just need to come to Him and draw closer to Him. It’s easier to do that when things are going well I suppose.

Lord, forgive me for feeling this way! Forgive me for being jealous of those around me. Forgive me for comparision and judgement. It is not up to me. I don’t want to miss out on true blessings from you because I am so focused on the negative. God I need you, I am broken and I feel like so many parts of my life are broken. Help me to trust you, give me the strength to trust you. Break down the walls I have set up and bring me to you. I need you desparately.