So quick update on our life: We moved out of our apartment at the end of our lease in July. Back in April we put an offer on a short sale/pre-forclosure house and decided that as we waited (and waited... and waited) we should move in with my parents. That way, if the house worked out, we weren't tied to a lease, and if it didn't work out we could just sign another lease or look for another house.
Finally, at the beginning of Sept. things started moving forward. We got approval from the bank and starting working with our mortgage agent to get all of our finances in order. Seriously.... I'm surprised that they didn't want blood samples or our first born child after all of the information we had to give them! But our agent was awesome and it made the whole process MUCH smoother.
So, here we are. We officially became home-owners on Sept. 24, started moving and painting on the 25th, and spent our first night in our house on the 26th. A year ago I would have never thought we would be where we are right now, but I am enjoying it and trusting God in the meantime!
What a time of growth... even in the past couple weeks. I've really felt like I've been learning more about the Lord and how I interact with Him. It's been a time for me to delve deeper into my relationship with Him and more things are coming to light.
Ah, but with growth there also comes growing pains. In my mind I've been trying to reconcile all of these stresses in my life - will I ever be ok? (is that not the question that is on so many people's hearts? For me this is in regards to my anxiety, but you can just fill in the blank), will I be able to have children/be a good parent?, etc.... These things that weigh heavy on my heart come from the same anxious source: all of the weight and responsibility rests on me.
At community group last night we talked about the Holy Spirit. Oftentimes in churches there is two extremes: manipulating the Holy Spirit into looking like a crazed person ("be healed!"), or tragic neglect. Both of which feed off of each other and we have yet to find that balanced, true, experience of the Holy Spirit. What does the Bible say about the Holy Spirit? He is our Helper, our Counselor. He gives us the ability and power to do things that we would otherwise not be able to do. He enables us to love Jesus, trust Him, and bring glory to Him. He is our strength.
Going back to everything resting on my shoulders, this is something that I feel like I have wrestled with my whole life. I always feel that in some way it is my responsibility to manipulate the circumstances, for myself or others. What I mean by that is that I want to be the peace maker. When others are going through a hard time, I feel like it's my responsibility to be the strong one. It is as if I feel like I need to be the Holy Spirit in the lives of others - whether it is through manipulation or false sense of strength.
What a wrong way of thinking! It is not up to me! And there is freedom in that! On the way home from community group last night I was telling Tim about all of these worries that are going through my mind. A big worry on my heart is that I feel like I have in some way let Tim down because I am not ready to have children yet (in large part, I think, because of my anxiety). He stopped me and said that my anxiety is not more powerful than God. In my mind I have this idea that we probably would already be pregnant if it were not for my anxiety. But the truth is - regardless of our circumstances we would not be pregnant! If God wanted a person in the world right now, it would happen. Do you see the freedom in that? IT DOES NOT REST OR DEPEND ON ME! What a beautiful truth!
This is just one example of that in my life as a means of explanation, but it is true none the less. Now it is just a matter of connecting the truth with my emotions and feelings. The lies that I believe in my life - I believe them because they feel true. There may be (and usually is) no shred of truth, reason, or logic to them, but they feel true so I let them dictate my life. Oh Lord, please rescue me from this!
Holy Spirit,
I need You. I invite you to be my Helper, be my Counselor. Will you give me the strength that I need today? I fall on you. My heart is so heavy with all of these burdens that I call responsibilities, that mask themselves as love. Worrying for myself and others is not love. Bring my fears into the light so that I can have freedom. So that I can not be a slave to them anymore. In the name of Jesus I command that these lies leave me, that I stop believing them - that in their place I would be filled with the Holy Spirit. Help me to rest in You - to know that You are the only one big enough for the task of carrying the burdens of the world. I am not. And rather than crumbling in my fears, I pray that this realization brings me freedom to love you. Release these chains that weigh so heavily on me. Surround me with your love, strength, and power. I pray that I would have peace that goes beyond all understanding. Help me to trust that you only give GOOD gifts - and that you are trustworthy! Holy Spirit, thank you as you answer these prayers even as I type. Help me to have endurance. I love you.
