Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Philippians 3:12
To know God. This just popped into my head this morning - in all honesty I have been neglecting my relationship with God. Yes I pray every day, but they are shallow prayers. Just things to get me through the day but nothing that cultivates my relationship with God. Then this morning I felt this urge to know God - to seek after Him and discover who He is. When I opened my Bible my eyes landed on Pslam 86:11-13:
Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever. For great is Your love toward me.
Even now I sit and wonder how do I even approach God, especially after ignoring Him recently. Do I hide in my guilt? Do I sugar coat it and act as though things are perfect? I believe that He wants neither for He already knows my heart. I believe that He longs to be known by me and the longer I waste my time worrying about my guilt, the longer I go on being stagnant in my relationship with Him.
I am at a point where in some areas of my life I feel stagnant, complacent. What a horrible place to be at 21! I guess I am having a quarter-life crisis? I have these questions swirling through my mind like "What next?" and then I realize God calling me into living life one day at a time. I have always wanted the future - when I was dating Tim I wanted to be engaged, when I was engaged I wanted to be married, now that I'm married I can't wait to settle down and buy a house and move on to that stage of my life. Why can I not be content with where God has me right now?
That being said, I absolutely love and enjoy the time that Tim and I have together and I am so thankful for our relationship and where God has us. I guess sometimes I get too distracted into looking toward the future instead of enjoying each day that God has given us. More over, I am neglecting that God has us where we are for a reason and if we spend all our time looking to the future we will always miss out on the present.
I guess part of my problem has been not going to God to be filled up, but rather trying to fill myself up with things that will never satisfy. Like instead of enjoying my day and making the most of it at work, I just try and make it through. Instead of trying to make a difference in the lives of my co-workers, I selfishly just focus on going home and being with Tim and my day is wasted for pouring into those around me who don't know God. (oh if they ever saw this, what would they do?)
I suppose I have even been sucked into work life as I see so many others just making it through their days rather than living in them and making the most of them. Or the things that they are living for are never going to save them. Working in health care I see so many people worshiping their own bodies, as if enough exercise and vitamins will keep them immortal. As though their lifestyle will save them. Yet they also believe that we came from billions of years of nothing and appeared over time. If that were true, what is the point? Why do they even care about taking care of themselves unless their only purpose is to procreate and instinct driven? Where does their desire to learn, grow, create, and improve themselves come from? I am reminded of the verse in the Bible (although I can't find it at the moment) that describes people as worshiping the creation rather than the Creator. I feel like this is the world I live in.
God, I pray that you break the chains that are holding me down to a life of nothingness, a life that doesn't seek after you. I have been trying to satisfy myself with so many empty things and I am sorry that I have not been coming to you first and foremost. I pray even for those around me who are worshiping things that create burden when you offer to take our burdens away. I am absolutely hopeless without you and I am sorry that I have been letting that hopelessness seep into my life. Help me to be purposeful in the things I do - but more importantly - help me to grow in you, I want to have a deeply intimate relationship with You that goes beyond all understanding. Thank you for providing for me, thank you for bringing me where I am, and thank you for being you. There is no one like you God.
