But such is life

Oh where God has brought me.

I have come to a point in my life that I never thought I would be - in a place of utter humility with no hope other than God. I say that not in a depressing way, but just to state the fact that God has brought me to a place where I am so broken that I cannot rely on anything but the strength of my Savior. And I'm trying to see the beauty in all of my mess.

Something occurred to me just a few minutes ago as I was checking my e-mail. I received an e-mail back from a professor who responded when I e-mailed him about some of my struggles with anxiety and how I did not want it to effect my grades, etc... As I read his response back, I realized something: I have never had to e-mail a professor, or anyone for that matter, and admit my struggles in that way. I have a hard enough time admitting my struggles to the ones I love and trust, let alone some random professor.

This was a hard realization for me - until now I didn't realize how big of an issue I have with pride. I am aware of other things that I struggle with that are blatantly obvious - like anxiety or guilt. I never thought I had an issue with pride. But now, as I look back, it has been seeping into my life and I realize what an issue I do have with pride.

See, I always thought that when people struggled with anxiety, as I am right now, it is because they just aren't trusting God, or aren't strong enough to deal with life. I also thought that only "other people" went to counseling, not me (I'm probably going to start next week with a very kind Christian woman). What a blow to my pride this year has been.

When I look at my own struggles, I find myself believing the lie that I am the only one who has struggles in my life. I think that is one of the worst lies that the enemy tries to get us believe. If we think we are the only ones who feel a certain way, we put off getting help and even helping others. However, what I have learned is how alike we all are. When I see my own struggles, my heart breaks knowing that 23 million people in American right now are diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (and keep in mind, those are only the ones who have gone to a doctor for it). And what breaks my heart is the fact that many, if not most, of those people are trying to go at it alone, without Jesus. I know what a struggle I have had, and I do have Jesus right there with me, giving me hope when I feel hopeless, and I can't imagine having to deal with anxiety and not have Him.

Going back to my pride issue, I think part of my pride began with good intentions (as many sins do). I have been blessed enough to encounter more good than bad in my life, but I still have had my fair share of tragedy. Before I was 14 years old I had been to 12 funerals, all of which were family except for two who were friends of mine from elementary school. During this time, I struggled with anxiety a lot, and I think thats when the seeds of anxiety began in my life, but that wasn't the only seed that was planted. Whenever things went bad in my life, or more specific, in other people's lives, I felt like I had to be the strong one for them. Yes, I would show emotion, but I still felt like I was the one who had to carry the world on my shoulders and carry them through their problems. Sounds admirable, but it is in no way beneficial.

I think that began a trend in my life. Whenever bad things happened to those around me, I felt like I was the one who could keep it all together, I could be a sturdy, strong person in their life. One of my bestfriends went through over a year of going to doctors trying to determine what mystery illness she had, and the whole time I felt like I had to be strong for her. I very much limited talking about myself (not because she wouldn't let me, I know now that she would've loved to know what I was struggling with) and my struggles because i felt like I didn't want to make her stress about me. The same thing happened when my other best friend's mom (my second mom) was diagnosed with breast cancer this year. I felt like I had to be strong for her, and therefore limited what I shared with her. I did most of this subconsciously, because by this point it had become second nature.

Then I started struggling with panic attacks. I'm not 100% sure how they started, maybe they have nothing to do with everything else that was going on in my life, although I highly doubt that. For so long I was the strong one, I had to carry the world on my shoulders, and then I crumbled. The world got too heavy to bear for arms that weren't strong enough to hold it in the first place.

I am slowly getting to a place where I can trust God and know that in my uncertainty, He always provides and He is enough for me, although I am not there yet. I am glad that Jesus carries me through and never leaves me where I am at. God has had to break me in order to heal me.

Dusting off the ol' blog

I think there is something therapeutic about writing out your thoughts, so in the midst of my changing world I am dusting off my blog and starting to write!

I look back on my last blog - when I was leaving Lake Tahoe. Oh, what has changed since then. I still long for the type of community I experienced there, not having experienced anything like it before or since. Yes, I've had small glimpses into strong community, but it is more with my closest friends than with other believers. I pray that God provides Tim and I with a rich community wherever we end up after we get married.

Anyways, what a year this has been. More stressful than I thought and taking a toll on myself more than I thought. It has been a good year, don't get me wrong, I have been blessed with a wonderful fiance and I have grown so much in my relationship with God, but it has come at a price. I hear some Christians say that there are different seasons of life, and I feel like I am going through a transition and entering into a brand new season of life that I feel ill-equipped for. But I think that is the point that God has brought me to - recognizing that I can do nothing by my own strength, but I need to rely on Him for absolutely everything. I had been trying to do things on my own strength for so long, and I'm sure pride had something to do with it. But God has had to break me to a point where I can literally do nothing without trusting Him to do it for me. I feel the weight of the world laying heavy on my shoulders, and for too long I tried to carry it on my own. Problem is, I wasn't meant to carry the world on my shoulders.

As I reflect on the past year, I realize that there are a lot of things I wouldn't have learned if God didn't break me. I wouldn't have been as open to learning some of the things I have in preparation for marriage, I wouldn't have been as open to change. I wouldn't have grown with God and trust Him with things because in my mind, I thought I had it all under control, so I only wanted God at church and when I "needed" Him - I didn't realize that there wasn't a moment that went by that I didn't need Him.

God has also helped me gain perspective on things, although He knows I am far from gaining complete understanding. I see the world as this place filled with hurting people, people with no hope, no where to go, no one to trust. Devastation is an every day part of life, yet so many people (especially in America) don't even realize the horrors that go on all over the world because we are in our own little protective bubble.

I guess thats why I decided to change my blog name - But as for me, I will always have Hope, taken from Psalm 71. Even in the midst of change, struggle, unknown, in Jesus I will always have hope. Even when I can't see whats ahead, He can, and He will carry me though. I just need to remind myself of that continually. Praise God that He does not leave me where I am at!