"Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep"
-Romans 12:15
It is a strange time. I have been equally given reasons to deeply rejoice and deeply weep during this season. The constant during this time of chaos and uncertainty, whether good or bad? Jesus. He is my constant. He is my Rock and my Salvation. He is my Jesus.
In the midst of even the hardest time the constant that I see is His goodness. I mean that with all my heart. In the deepest despair and darkest corners of life, He is good. He has poured out his grace and lavished it, even when the circumstances seem to say otherwise.
I wanted to write a blog all about the grace He has shown us during this pregnancy, and I still probably will, but it goes beyond just this stage in our life. I see more clearly how He has been working everything for good, how He has interwoven so many things, so many people, all for His good purpose. It is only by His grace and strength that I can simultaneously have joy and also sorrow for those around me. Even our emotions work better when Jesus takes care of them.
I feel like during pregnancy, I have in many ways been given a "do-over" from previous stages of my life. Very similar circumstances were going on a couple of years ago when I was engaged. It was an exciting time in our life! We were getting married! But at the same time, I had two of my closest friends battling mystery illnesses, I was finishing up my last year at college, and my best friend's mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Then my panic attacks started happening that November. I became consumed and enslaved to my anxiety. I went through months of what just felt like "darkness" and didn't know what to do, didn't know where God was. But God spoke to my heart and said, "I will carry you through". And He did. But it was a hard journey. And it's still not over.
I carried over a lot of my fears and anxieties to what it would look like to start a family. I was afraid that with that stress and changing time, I would revert back to my panic attacks and again become enslaved to fear. God again told me He would carry me through. And He has. Since becoming pregnant many similar circumstances have come up - a dear friend of ours is battling stomach cancer, my husband's great grandmother passed away, among many other things. But God has given me grace to trust Him through it all and handle my emotions appropriately; weeping with those who weep, and rejoicing with those who rejoice.
As I look to the future, and even as fear wells up as I think about delivering our baby boy and meeting him and raising him, I have to look back and see all that God has done. Every single time I doubted God came through. Oh, Lord, please help me to keep my mind focused on this! and on You!
So with both a heavy and a full heart, I am trusting God. Knowing that He will comfort me in times of hardship and lavish his joy on me during times of rejoicing.
