You should see the stars tonight

I've been thinking a lot about my upcoming wedding that is two weeks away. I had all of these ideas about what I would be feeling at this point, but none of them were anywhere near what I am feeling. I am at a point where this year has broken me and I believe that God is the only one who can carry me through, carry us through.

I am so excited for our marriage, but I have learned that two sinners do not make a perfect marriage. But both Tim and I are learning to understand what it looks like to truly rely on Jesus for strength in our marriage, and I am just trusting that God will come through for us. I believe that He will.

He is my strength, our strength, and a beautiful strength at that. I am a sinner and more often than not, I choose to hang onto sins, or trust myself over God, but God is my rescuer. I don't know what our future holds, I don't know where we will be at the end of the summer, the next year, etc... but I know that God does and I'm learning to let that be enough for me.

As I think about God and my relationship with Him, I sometimes get glimpses of what my relationship with Him should look like. Maybe I am not supposed to worry, maybe i am not supposed to hold onto guilt, maybe I am supposed to allow Him to delight in me, maybe I am supposed to let myself be drawn into Him. More than maybe.

I find comfort in knowing that I don't need to find my worth in things like my schooling, my wedding, my future career. More than likely, at some point or another, those things will let me down. I was told about a week ago that if I have a C wedding i'll be really fortunate (70% goes the way we want, 30% doesn't), and i'm okay with things not going 100% because at the end of the day, I get to be Tim's wife and start a new adventure with him and Jesus. The same goes for my career someday - if it doesn't work out the way that I want it too, thats okay because it isn't my absolute purpose.

At my final dress fitting, I started to let God take delight in me and the fact that I am getting married. I tended to push it away or ignore it, thinking that God wasn't that excited about my marriage (what lies). As I was looking at myself in the mirror in my dress, I realized that I was not alone and could hear Jesus whispering in my hear, "You look beautiful baby girl."

That gives me peace, in the midst of my circumstances, God is near and giving me the strength to go on. Strength that does not come from me, but from the God of the universe. God is always with me.

This verse was my first "favorite verse" when I found Jesus for the first time:

"You whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
Isaiah 46:3-4

It is interesting because in the verses before this, the Lord is talking about how burdensome idols are and how the worshipers have to carry what they worship around. Then, God goes onto say that He is the one carrying us. We are not strong enough, as the earlier verses point out that say how the burdens cause them to go into captivity because they are not strong enough to carry them on their own. God is the one who has to carry us. I would have it no other way.

The following song I think is beautiful. This will probably be the last slow dance song before Tim and I leave for our honeymoon.

"Stars" by David Crowder

you should see the stars tonight
how they shimmer shine so bright
against the black they look so white
comin down from such a height
to reach me now, reach me now

you should see the moon in the flight
cuttin cross the misty night
softly dancin in sunshine
reflections of this light
reach me now, you reach me now

and how could such a thing
shine its light on me
and make everything beautiful again

and you should feel the sun in the spring
comin out after a rain
suddenly all is green
sunshine on everything
i can feel it now, i feel you now

and how could such a thing
shine its light on me
and make everything beautiful

and you should hear the angels sing
all gathered round their king
more beautiful than you could dream
i've been quietly listening
you can hear 'em now, i hear em now

and how could such a king
shine His light on me
and make everything beautiful
and i wanna shine
i wanna be light
i wanna tell you it'll be alright
and i wanna shine and i wanna fly
just to tell you now
it'll be alright, it'll be alright
it'll be alright.

cus i got nothing of my own to give to you
but this light that shines on me shines on you
and makes everything beautiful, again.
it'll be alright, it'll be alright.