Thankful

Lately I have been struggling with the circumstances of life, and I've noticed that rather than enjoying life, I'm choosing to just get through it. It's as though I am waiting to enjoy life until the circumstances get better, until things change, until things are better. But I'm ignoring and missing out on all of the things that God has done for us that I should be so thankful for!

I am thankful for the circumstances that God has us in. Yes, Tim lost his job and yes, I don't always enjoy my job, and yes, we had to shell out a LOT of money to fight that stupid court thing, but in the midst of that, we are doing okay - more than okay.

God blessed us with apartment rent that is nearly half of what it normally goes for ($840 vs. $1300/month) so that even though Tim doesn't have a job, we can afford it with my salary. Moreover, we have a kitchen full of food. We can afford to have good, healthy (sometimes unhealthy lol) food that fills us up every day and we never need to skip a meal. I praise the Lord for that. I have also been blessed with a job that comes with a lot of benefits. Yes, it includes minimal health benefits (we'll probably just stick to our private insurance), but it comes with a lot of benefits like free gym membership, reduced massage therapy prices, etc...etc... Our office knows how to make connections with the community and in turn the employees get to reap the benefits.

God has also blessed me with a husband who is not lazy in any way, shape or form. Since he's been laid off, he's been working harder than me! He hasn't wasted a second by sitting on the couch doing nothing - he has picked up odd jobs and already he seems to be making more money than me on a daily basis!

And while I am frustrated with the lack of "direction" in our life right now, I really have nothing to be frustrated about. God has us in a position right now where we have choices! Right now (although things can always change), Tim can choose to work for his uncle while going to school at CWU online to pursue an ITAM degree, he can pursue going to the firefighter academy, or even pursue becoming an air traffic controller. Yes, each of those come with sacrifices, but fortunately God has us in a place where we can have time to figure out what to do. We are newly married, no kids, and we are young.

In the midst of all of this, sometimes I feel like this is all too big for me. I am so small and everything that we are up against is so big. Yes we have a lot to be thankful for and so much blessing in our lives, I still feel like we cannot go at this alone. But I think that is also something to me thankful for. God has blessed us with much but also wants us to cling to Him for our strength. We cannot be so full of ourselves and confident in ourselves that we don't need Him. As we know, and so many others do, things can change in an instant. One day Tim had a job, the next day he didn't. One day we thought we were going to live in Kent, then next we signed a lease in Bellevue. God is the only constant in our lives and I can only be thankful.

Thoughts on hopelessness

In contrast from my previous entry, I feel like reflecting on hopelessness. Well, I don’t really feel like it, but I don’t really feel like having hope at the moment either.

I just realized yesterday how much I am struggling with this, as a result of struggling with pride, jealously, comparison, and greed. We went to our community group last night and it was fun, I love the people but I was having a hard time. Everyone that we talked with seemed like they had their life together. Yes, I know that that isn’t true because no one has their life together. I understand that. But it was hard because even if they didn’t have their lives together, it seemed like they had their careers together.

I felt like everyone there had a career, not just a job to get by. One guy owns his own business and is only 25, a few more work for microsoft, and several are nurses.

I think it is awesome and has absolutely nothing to do with the people, but it is just hard to be around that when Tim is facing unemployment and my work barely covers our bills and we just had to shell out over $3000 for our lawyer and court fees over something that we didn’t even do!

As you can see, I’m really struggling keeping a positive thought life when I can’t help but focus on the negative. I am even struggling with trusting God and trusting Tim because I don’t see our situation getting any better. My job is stressful and it isn’t something that I want to do for the rest of my life but it is looking like we absolutely need it to survive as Tim looks for a job.

There is part of me that doesn’t want to let go of this bitterness. It’s easier to hold onto things like this than to look for the positive. It’s easier to compare ourselves to others and judge than it is to love and hope for the best. Why is it that way? Sin nature I suppose, but I just can’t seem to overcome it.

And it makes it hard for me to spend time with God. It’s like I’m kind of angry at Him for putting us where we are. Like, why did He get our hopes up by giving Tim a job then taking it away? It’s just hard for me right now to envision things getting better. Life is a mess.

I’m sorry that I am ranting, that I am upset at God. More than anything I just need to break down and get it off my chest. God can handle my upset-ness, I just need to come to Him and draw closer to Him. It’s easier to do that when things are going well I suppose.

Lord, forgive me for feeling this way! Forgive me for being jealous of those around me. Forgive me for comparision and judgement. It is not up to me. I don’t want to miss out on true blessings from you because I am so focused on the negative. God I need you, I am broken and I feel like so many parts of my life are broken. Help me to trust you, give me the strength to trust you. Break down the walls I have set up and bring me to you. I need you desparately.

Thoughts on hope

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love forever and ever. I will praise You forever for what you have done; in Your name I will hope, for Your name is good. I will praise You in the presence of Your saints

Psalm 52:8-9

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain You, He will never let the righteous fall

Psalm 55:22

The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1

Without hope, there is nothing to live for, no reason for anything. Over the past months I have learned that to be without hope is to be without life. I struggled a lot with hope, or rather, feelings of hopelessness. If God is not our hope, then what do we hope in? I had my hope in so many other things and they failed me miserably. Life sucks, it gets hard, and if we don’t have a constant in our life, where do we go? I had a hard enough time over the past year struggling with anxiety and I have God. I cannot imagine going what I went through by myself.

Even if you believe in God and don’t have hope, what are you doing? And is it truly faith? I don’t mean the fluffy hopefulness that good things will happen to you and that everything will be okay. I mean in the middle of life, the hurt, the pain, and the hell of it all, you believe and have hope that God has a plan for you (and you ACT like it). I believe hope and faith are so intimately connected and I don’t know how you could have one without the other.

I’ve been struggling with hope recently. Not understanding the future, not knowing where God is taking me. Not knowing where God is taking Tim and I. Tim was laid off last week, exactly one week from today. Not long before he was laid off I was considering quitting my job. I didn’t want it in the first place. I was hesitant to take it and it proved to be a lot of work. Not that I am lazy, but that I am trying to reconcile having a life and having a job. But we cannot afford to have me quit now.

It’s interesting all the plans we have for ourselves, whether they appear godly or not. I wanted Tim to get a job that supported the both of us completely, and I could just work part time or develop my own business or pursue volunteering. Thinking about it it sounded biblical – men are the providers and women are the home builders. Yes, that is true, but I wonder how much of that is monetary.

I do believe that men should be the providers when it comes to finances, however I don’t think that it ends there or even finds it’s meaning there. Maybe men are to be the providers in more ways that just with money. Maybe they are the ones who should provide a safe place for the women (not just a house, but a relationship), a place of comfort and love and protection. How great is our God to create men and women the way that He did, and how even more great it is that we are merely small reflections of Himself.

God is our protection, our safeplace, our home. He is our refuge and our deliverer, and our ultimate provider. He is the husband to the widows and a father to the fatherless. He is our everything. He is our lover, our ‘home builder’, our tender care giver, and our nurturer.

Thank you God that you are bigger than me and my problems. Thank you that you bring healing and will absolutely never leave me, even when I try to leave you. Thank you that you draw me close to you even when I deserve punishment. Thank you that you love me even when I don’t know everything about you or understand how you work. Thank you that you are a delightful mystery that causes us to continually seek after you. And thank you that we can never figure you out. Thank you that you are real.

“I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals; she decked herself with rings and jewelery and went after her lovers, but me she forgot,” declares the Lord. “Therefore, I am now going to allure her, I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the days she came out of Egypt. In that day,” declares the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master’.”

Hosea 2:13-16