How did I get here?
Ok, ok. Not as in, like, "where do babies come from?" question, or even in a negative tone ("how did I get to this place that I don't want to be?"), but truly just reflecting on your life leading up to this moment.
So, how did I get here?
I mean, it feels like just yesterday I was just starting at CWU, and just a couple of weeks ago Tim and I celebrated our first year of marriage! In the last year, our plans have changed on several occasions. I go back and look through previous blog postings to see our "plans" and I have to laugh because nearly none of them came to fruition! But, I would have it no other way.
It was not my plan to move 5 times my senior year at CWU/first few months of marriage. Nor was it my plan to have worked 3 jobs since then (one of which wasn't paid, and another one of which being my own cake decorating business... what the heck?!), have Tim work 2 different jobs and take an EMT class, decide to put an offer on a house, move into my parents garage apartment until the house stuff gets finalized.... it's so crazy! At so many different times in the past year we've had plans. Plans to buy a house in a different area, plans to not buy one and rent someplace closer to Tim's work (Federal Way area), plans to not go to Mars Hill, plans to being deeply rooted in a wonderful community group through Mars Hill, plans to buy a car, plans to keep our cars, plans for me to get another job, plans for me to start my own business.
I always think I have it figured out, or rather, I always feel like I need to have it figured out! Like I always need an answer to those around me - parents, family, friends - as to what our plans our.
What are our plans to have children? What are your plans for your business? What do you have in mind for a future job? When is Tim going to become a firefighter? How are you going to buy a house and be smart with money? When is that degree of yours going to pay off? Do you think you'll still go to the same church and community group if you move? How much longer do you think Tim will work at his current job?
Why is it that we put this pressure on ourselves to have all these plans laid out before us and determine our own steps? Yes, absolutely, it is good to have goals! But plans... ahhh plans.... you're a whole other category.
Is it not okay to just be comfortable resting in the state of not having plans? Of course it is! If I have learned anything this past year, it is that having no plans is the safest place to be! If we loosen our death grip on those "plans" of ours, we are much more likely to trust and follow where God's leading, and I'm sure it will be a much smoother process.
I almost feel like when we set out plans for ourselves, we are trusting our own judgment above God's. Like, yes God, you created the universe and everything in it, you created our inmost beings, you know us inside and out. Oh, and whats that? You know what will happen with our lives and - am I hearing You right - that You have a plan for us? Oh, well, actually, we have these other plans... so I think we'll just stick with those and hope that you steer us where we need to go, bless our plans and all that.
Really?! Who do we think we are coming to God like that? I do it all the time.
Needless to say, I'm not quite sure how I got here, but one thing I am sure: God carried me the whole way, and He is going to keep on carrying Tim and I through.
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