I woke up this morning to a call from my mom - one of my brother's friends died last night.
And it was seemingly random - what we're hearing is that it was probably a blood clot and it sounds like it went to her lung. Mark talked with her yesterday before she went to the hospital. He says it hasn't hit him yet.
I understand.
When I was in elementary school two girls that I was friends with both passed away in the same year. Fourth grade. One had cancer, but seemed to be doing well, the other was totally random. I even had a friend in high school, when I was Mark's age, die in a car accident and I had class with him. I had known him since I was 5 and all of the sudden he wasn't there.
I think back to when I was in Fourth grade, how much those events thoroughly rocked my world - I had experienced a lot of death in the family, but those were adults, not kids the same age as me, or younger. I didn't know Jesus yet and so in my fragile mind I coped by anxiety. I guess that really isn't copping, but it was how I responded. I thought that surely the same thing could, and would, happen to me. I became ultra sensitive to any "symptoms" I experienced - I remember checking my eyes almost every night because I was told that you could tell if you had a brain injury by how your eyes reacted (one of the girls died of a random, unseen, brain injury) - but I didn't even know what to look for.
It's sad, really. My heart breaks for my younger self. I know that may seem weird, but what I mean is that I didn't have the comfort that comes alone from Jesus, and I was broken, trying to figure things out on my own.
Oh how this must be how God sees all of us. Like little children running after things, hiding in fear, not knowing what will come next, and trying to do things on our own that we clearly don't have the strength to handle. How much His heart must break to see us trying to cling to things for comfort when only He offers true peace and safety.
You could say that anxiety runs in my family - over-thinkers, worriers, and circumstances that have left scars run deep. To be honest, I don't remember a time in my life where worry was not there, even when I was younger. My parents have told me that even when I was little I would always have "What if" questions running through my mind.
The tendency of anxiety runs in my family, but it does not define who I am, let me be clear. I am not anxious, I struggle with anxiety and the temptation to worry about the future so that I may be better prepared rather than run to God knowing that He holds the very future in His hands.
That being said, as much as I hope against it, I believe that when we have kids some day we will come across one of them struggling with anxiety as a little kid. I can't wait for the day where I can teach them how to pray and surrender that to Jesus, how He comforts them and will never let them down. Yes, tragedy happens, but nothing surprises Jesus. That they can grow up in the comfort of knowing that their Savior has them and will never let them go. And that is a peace that I long for, that I can have.
Lately I have been neglecting my relationship with God. But it has been to my own downfall. My days have been mediocre when they could have brought glory to God and joy to my life. I struggle toward trusting God, even when I know that He has never let me down.
So I will trust Him. I will run to Him because only He offers peace and fulfillment.
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