I think there is something therapeutic about writing out your thoughts, so in the midst of my changing world I am dusting off my blog and starting to write!
I look back on my last blog - when I was leaving Lake Tahoe. Oh, what has changed since then. I still long for the type of community I experienced there, not having experienced anything like it before or since. Yes, I've had small glimpses into strong community, but it is more with my closest friends than with other believers. I pray that God provides Tim and I with a rich community wherever we end up after we get married.
Anyways, what a year this has been. More stressful than I thought and taking a toll on myself more than I thought. It has been a good year, don't get me wrong, I have been blessed with a wonderful fiance and I have grown so much in my relationship with God, but it has come at a price. I hear some Christians say that there are different seasons of life, and I feel like I am going through a transition and entering into a brand new season of life that I feel ill-equipped for. But I think that is the point that God has brought me to - recognizing that I can do nothing by my own strength, but I need to rely on Him for absolutely everything. I had been trying to do things on my own strength for so long, and I'm sure pride had something to do with it. But God has had to break me to a point where I can literally do nothing without trusting Him to do it for me. I feel the weight of the world laying heavy on my shoulders, and for too long I tried to carry it on my own. Problem is, I wasn't meant to carry the world on my shoulders.
As I reflect on the past year, I realize that there are a lot of things I wouldn't have learned if God didn't break me. I wouldn't have been as open to learning some of the things I have in preparation for marriage, I wouldn't have been as open to change. I wouldn't have grown with God and trust Him with things because in my mind, I thought I had it all under control, so I only wanted God at church and when I "needed" Him - I didn't realize that there wasn't a moment that went by that I didn't need Him.
God has also helped me gain perspective on things, although He knows I am far from gaining complete understanding. I see the world as this place filled with hurting people, people with no hope, no where to go, no one to trust. Devastation is an every day part of life, yet so many people (especially in America) don't even realize the horrors that go on all over the world because we are in our own little protective bubble.
I guess thats why I decided to change my blog name - But as for me, I will always have Hope, taken from Psalm 71. Even in the midst of change, struggle, unknown, in Jesus I will always have hope. Even when I can't see whats ahead, He can, and He will carry me though. I just need to remind myself of that continually. Praise God that He does not leave me where I am at!
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